The Coronavirus joke thread

[Mick_J]

Tell your friend that it might make him (or her) more attractive to the opposite sex. 

From what I've read its not about stopping you getting it, it's about you not giving it to others, with a mask on no one will know it's you (or your friend  )

[MarkN]

Lockdown lingo

*Coronacoaster*
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You're loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is "an emotional coronacoaster".

*Quarantinis*
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at "locktail hour", ie. wine o'clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

*Le Creuset wrist*
It's the new "avocado hand" - an aching arm after taking one's best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly 'Clap For Carers.' It might be heavy but you're keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

*Coronials*
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as "Generation C" or, more spookily, "Children of the Quarn".

*Furlough Merlot*
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as "bored-eaux" or "cabernet tedium".

*Coronadose*
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.

*The elephant in the Zoom*
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

*Quentin Quarantino*
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they're convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

*Covidiot* or *Wuhan-ker*
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display "covidiocy" or be "covidiotic". Also called a "lockclown" or even a "Wuhan-ker".

*Goutbreak*
The sudden fear that you've consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king's.

*Antisocial distancing*
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

*Coughin' dodger*
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.

*Mask-ara*
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.

*Covid-10*
The 10lbs in weight that we're all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as "fattening the curve.

[Notty]

@froudy

[Hooli]

This made me laugh way too much

[Notty]

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you
would have £49.00 today
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have
£33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you
would have £0.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you
would have £0.00 today
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tescos,
drank all the beer,then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer,
you would have received a £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &
recycle.
A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a
year.
That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be British.
JUST A FEW THOUGHTS

[Blubber]

On a more serious note... i finally got my test results ... No corona 

[VladTepes]

https://www.abc.net.au/doublej/music-reads/features/classic-album-covers-reimagined-for-the-age-of-social-distancing/12193624

[Mick_J]

Well we have pizza girl here in the UK but in America they have a proper genius.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8283957/Covidiot-explains-cut-hole-face-mask-makes-easier-breathe.html

[VladTepes]

Fencing is the perfect COVID-19 sport.

Masks, Gloves and if anyone gets closer than 6 feet to you, you stab them.

[Notty]

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[Mick_J]

Went out for a ride to Minehead yesterday and only met one other biker but as he was with his wife/girlfriend/better half I didn't speak to either because I'm only allowed to talk to one other person and I didn't want to offend either of them. 

[Notty]

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[Notty]

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[Notty]

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[VladTepes]