Some quickies

[VladTepes]

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting."
So we stopped playing chess.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

Never break someone's heart. They only have one.
Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right

The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.

My wife told me she'll slam my head into the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried — I think she's
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What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
None. Historians have suggested most pirates would have been illiterate.

My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.

Wife: "I want another baby."
Husband: "That's a relief, I really don't like this one."

My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone.
It's either terrible news or great news.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

"I work with animals," the man says to his date.
"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a butcher," he says.

Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, "Which one is yours?" I replied, "I'm still deciding."
They looked horrified.

When my uncle Frank died, he needed his ashes to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His final wish was to be Frank in Stein.

Humans eat more bananas than monkeys just as recent research suggests. I agree because I can't remember when last I ate a monkey.

Today I made a decision to go go to my childhood house. I asked the residents if I may come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, however, they refused and slammed the door on my face. My mother and father are the worst.