Bad jokes, Dad jokes

[VladTepes]

Bad jokes

An ironing board is a surf board that gave up on it's dreams and went to work.

I'm trying to organise a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I would argue that more people should play the Double Bass. There's a big case for it.

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

A man walks into a library, approaches the librarian and says, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please."
The librarian says, "Sir, you know you're in a library, right?"
"Sorry," he whispers. "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please."

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!

It was on this day 2 years ago I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a Masters Diploma from Flinders University. A day I'll never forget. Then I was tackled by security and charged with trespassing - but man, what a moment.

Mary had a little lamb, she also had a duck.
She put them on the mantle piece to see if they would....
.....fall off....

A mate of mine has started dating a much older lady that he kept running into at Heavy Metal concerts. It's cool for him because she buys a lot of the tickets and she seems nice enough. He insists she's not a Cougar though. More like a Deaf Leopard.

What's the difference between COVID19 and "Romeo and Juliet"?
One is a corona virus, and the other is a Verona Crisis!

Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.  Seriously how low can you go.

Dad Jokes

Some people think there are insects on the moon, they're Luna tics.

What kind of flower grows between a nose and a chin? Tu-lips.

Why did a man tie his foot to a mattress? He wanted to put a spring in his step.

A man walks into a bar, then asks if it could be set higher.

While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A Scout ran to pick it up.  "Don't bother, young man," said the customer. "It's self-raising.

Q. How many seconds are there in one year?
A. Twelve. January second, February second, March second...

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto

[VladTepes]

An Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."