One Liners (or close to)

[VladTepes]

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

When I was 18, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. 5 years later, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

An insurance seller told me half of all car accidents happen within a mile of your house. So I moved

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks "Dry?" The German replies "Nein, just one."

I hung all the washing out yesterday and the wife comes rushing over.  What are you doing.  These are still filthy.  I know I replied. but the tags didn't say to dry clean.

Did you know: If the all of the people in the world held hands along the equator, a large proportion of them would drown.

Had to build a wall to stop my dog escaping all the time.  He's an East German Shepherd

Went to the shop yesterday and asked if they had a specific type of detergent  They couldn't help me.  It was a general store.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Please stop putting your flyers on my windscreen. I have no interest in coming to see your new band called "Infringement Notice"

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I sleep better naked. Why can't the flight attendant understand this?

It's a alot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" kids are with technology these days.  My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he can't even work my VHS video recorder.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

Imagine if God came down to Earth one day and just said "actually, it's pronounced Jod" and then left.

Thesaurus for sale. Brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried.

Did you hear about the bus load of tourists who got stuck on the rail crossing?  They died of natural causes.  Well. They were hit by the train so naturally they died.