Some jokes.. Warning: Contains Dad Jokes

[VladTepes]

I accidentally got locked in a mirror shop last night.
On the plus side, it gave me time to reflect...


I went to the bakery today to by some Short Bread.
They said they don't make it any Longer.


A party is on safari in Africa and a Pygmy runs out of the jungle and says come take my picture with an elephant I just killed.
Sure enough it is a huge elephant and impressed they ask "Did you really kill that?" The Pygmy says "Yes, with my club."
So they ask "How big is your club" To which he proudly replies "400 members."


A bloke went to the doctor because he had a bit of lettuce hanging out his arse..
Apparently it was just the tip of the iceberg


Man tells his doctor he has a strawberry growing out of his arse. The doctor says "Ill give you some cream for that".


I was down getting a prescription filled at the local chemist. Out of nowhere some guy threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!
Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.


A dyslexic man walks into Bra.


I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea, and haemorrhoids last week.
First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.


I went on a tour of the postcard factory yesterday.
It was nothing to write home about.


My obese pet parrot died yesterday.
While it's very sad, and I'll miss him, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.


I used to work at a Calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.


A woman was on trial for beating her Husband to death with his guitar collection.
The Judge says 'First Offender?'  She replies 'No first a Gibson, then a Fender'


My wife told me I have two faults.
I don't listen .......... and something else.


My granddad died a few weeks after my grandma passed away. At first, we thought he died of a broken heart - but it turned out he couldn't cook.


I have a quite a few jokes about cash machines.
I just can't think of any ATM.


Last night there was a meeting on how to withhold orgasms.
Nobody came.


Two Indian drug addicts mistakenly injected curry powder. One is in hospital with a dodgy tikka, the other is still in a korma.
The doctor said they were very lucky to survive, and had definitely used up one of their naan lives.


So, technically, Moses was the first person to download data from the cloud to a tablet.


My son asked me what gay means? I told him it means 'happy'.
He asked me if i was gay. I told him I am married!


My wife wanted me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart".
I couldn't if I tried.


There are 3 Dolls in a mans life:
1. His daughter = Baby Doll.
2. His girlfreind = Barbie Doll.
3. His wife = Panadol.


My 9 year old daughter has disappeared.
She was last seen using a moisturiser cream that makes you look 10 years younger.

[Taniwha]

I love a good dad joke.