More one liners

[VladTepes]

(hopefully not a repost!)



I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.

I'm so ugly that my proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?

There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty liars.

My first job was selling doors, door to door. That's a tough job isn't it? Bing Bong; 'Hello, can I interest you in a ... oh s**t you've got one already haven't you? Well never mind...'

I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. 'What are you doing here with that hammer?'

No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been dining off "I Don't Like Mondays" for 30 years.

I failed maths in school so many times I can't even count.

I went to a tourist information booth and said "Tell me about some people who were here last year".

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. And then we met.

I wanted to do a show about feminism, but my husband wouldn't let me.

I haven't slept for ten days because that would be too long.

Years ago I used to supply filofaxes to the Mafia. Yes I was involved in very organised crime.

I won't say it was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.

I'm in a relationship at the moment, sorry girls. It's going to have to be your place.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first few weeks of Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

My dad used to say 'Always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I'm on a whiskey diet...I've lost three days already.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, 'How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.'

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Chopsticks are the reason the Chinese never invented custard.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.     

I saw that show - "50 things to do before you die."  They missed what I thought was the obvious one "Shout for help".

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of "Alphabet Soup"

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.