Post your favourite one-liners

[VladTepes]

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham, just delete it.  It's spam.

[grog]

Far fetched i know but they say the Japanese have developed a camera, shutter speed so fast it can photo a woman with her mouth closed.

[Sweaty]

  to both

[VladTepes]

My wife told me sex is better on holiday... that wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

[VladTepes]

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything".

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no-one will do it.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back what you've lost is a pigeon.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought "Dogs are easily amused", then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems. The first thing the bastard did was made me pay in advance.

Meanwhile in a parallel universe: "Oh for God's sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!"

Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes. Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

If I had 50 cents for every maths exam I'd failed, I'd have $6.30 by now.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

[VladTepes]

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

"I love languages. The way nationalities have different takes on the same thing. Like the way an Irish person or a Scottish person would say that the band Snow Patrol are boring but an Eskimo has a hundred words for how crap Snow Patrol are."

"Red sky at night: shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night: day."

"I'm sure wherever my Dad is: he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

"Crash Investigations is my favourite TV show, I've seen every episode. Here's a tip for the new viewers: if the show starts with the pilots being interviewed... it will be a boring episode."

"I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day."

"People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves"

"Maybe Hitler wouldn't have been so grumpy if people hadn't left him hanging for high fives all the time."

Read more at: https://inews.co.uk/culture/100-best-jokes-one-liners-edinburgh-fringe/

[Buddynq]

Very clever

[shanered6]

love is like a fart !... if you have to force it then its probably shit !!

[shanered6]

I saw a documentary on how ships are held together .   riveting !!

[lil4399]

I used to be indecisive,  but now I'm not so sure....

[Boa]

I'm going to give up procrastinating tomorrow

[gsxbarmy]

Plenty from iPhones 

http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/

[Batkwaka]

With Brexit, the English can again "Spend a Penny", instead of having to "Euro-Nate".

[VladTepes]

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

I saw a documentary on how ships are held together .   riveting !!

Snap !  (I win)

[Batkwaka]

Yes this is the Arsehole of the universe, passing through are you?