a few more

[lil4399]

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad
to watch a young Iraqi play .
He looks good, so he buys him.


Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down
to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker
the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals
in 20 minutes and wins the game.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches
are delighted and the
media love the new star.

Off the pitch he phones his mum .
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says.
"I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down
but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody
loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you
about my day. Your father got shot in the street
and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed gang
raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of
looters, and all while you were having such great time."


The lad is desolate. "What can I say mum? I'm so
sorry."


"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your
bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

..........................................................................................................

An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet shop & asks in the sweetest little lisp:"Excuthe me,mithter do u keep widdle wabbiths?" The shopkeepers heart melts & he gets down on his knees, so that he is on her level & asks: "do u want a widdle white whabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby?" She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a soft voice: " I dont fink my pyfon weally givth a phucks."

........................................................................................................

There was a Lion a Bear and a Chicken all arguing as to who was the hardest.

The Lion Said "All I have to do is ROAR and the whole jungle ****s itself"

The Bear Said "All I have to do is GROWL and the the whole forest ****s itself"

The Chicken Said "all I have to do is sneeze and the whole world ****s itself"

...........................................................................................................

If your partners overweight get them to walk three miles in the morning and three miles in the evening.
.
.
.
.
.
After seven days the fatty will be 42 miles away.

..........................................................................................................

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"


The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"


So the koala looks down at him and says

"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
..................................................................................................

two golfers was on the golf course, one pulls out a fag and asks his mate for a light.
His mate pulls out a 12" bic lighter. " **** me where'd you get such a huge bic?"
"Oh my genie gave it to me"
" you have a genie?" "where is it?"
"it's in my golf bag"
the friend asks " can I see him?" his friend says "yeah sure"
so the friend looks in the bag and out pops the genie
The friend says to the genie" I am your master's best friend , will you grant me just one wish?" the genie answers "yeah just one wish" so the man wishes for a million bucks. The genie goes back in the bag without saying a word, and soon the skies begin to darken. Then they get real dark and the man sees a million ducks fly overhead.
The dude turns to his mate and says " what up with that ****? is he deaf?" " I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks"
His friends says " do you think I really asked for a 12" bic?"
...................................................................................................

How a man withdraws cash from ATM:
a) Park the car
b) Go to ATM
c) Insert card
d) Enter PIN
e) Take money
f) Drive away

How a woman withdraws cash from ATM:
a) Park the car
b) Check makeup
c) Turn off engine
d) Check makeup
e) Go to ATM
f) Hunt for ATM card in the purse
g) Insert card
h) Hit Cancel
i) Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
j) Insert card
k) Enter PIN
l) Take cash
m) Go to car
n) Check makeup
o) Start car
p) Stop car
q) Run back to ATM
r) Take ATM card
s) Back to car
t) Check makeup
u) Start car
v) Check makeup
w) Drive for a mile
x) Release handbrake and
y) Drive on

[ARH]

 Excellent!

[VladTepes]

very good....

[Notty]

Excellent 

[Gegs]

how much water did you drink?!!"

[MarkN]

LMFAO