Tell me when you have had enough

[lil4399]

Mrs. Smith had always suspected her son, Mike, was having an intimate relationship with his roommate, Jennifer.
One night, Mike invites his mother over for dinner. All thru the night, Mrs. Smith watched Mike and Jennifer interact, and was pretty sure there was more than met the eye. Mike saw his mother watching them and assured her that they were just roommates.
A few nights later, Jennifer went to Mike with a problem.
"Ever since your mother was here for dinner, I have been unable to find the gravy ladle. Do you think she took it?"
Mike replied, "I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her and ask her anyway."
Mike sat down at the computer and composed the following e-mail:

Dearest Mother,
I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains, since you were here for dinner, we have been unable to find the ladle.
Love always,
Mike

Two days later, Mike received the following reply from his mother:

Dearest Michael,
I'm not saying you do sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains, had Jennifer been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now.
Love,
Mother

Moral of the story: Don't lie to your mother!

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A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied. "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, ride fast bikes, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

........................................................................................
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, ''So, how was I?''
She says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.''

.......................................................................................

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

........................................................................................

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know which day of the week it is.

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A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

..........................................................................................

honey why don't you tell me when you come???
well you're never there when it happens!

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click! click! click! is that it??
click! click !click !click! is that it???
click! click! click! click! is that it?
click! click! click! click! is that it???

.
;
;
;
;
stevie wonder doing a rubic's cube

............................................................................

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and
Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
"Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me ! much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, and shouts for all to hear.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!"
"If I go down, I go down in flames!"

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a man was deciding which of three women to marry
he gave them each 1000 quid
the first one spent 900 on clothes and put 100 in the bank
the next spent 500 on clothes and put 500 in the bank
the last one spent 100 on clothes and 900 in the bank
which one did he chose
;
;
;
;
;
; the one with the big tits

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A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

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TOP LETTERS TO VIZ...

"One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania" says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b@st@rds!!!
Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa?
Les Barnsley, Barnsley

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts

It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The suicide of Harold Shipman threw up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?
Magnus, Sheffield

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of who do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for a film, but why wasn't she doing it thirty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

AND LAST MY FAVOURITE,
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius!
Mike Woods

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I think Iv'e got Bird Flue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it's bird flue 'cos.
I can't park the car, Iv'e started talking rubbish, and I don't get a round in

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A JOKE ONLY THE BRITS WILL GET

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows
frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like
statues.

It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this
would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire
livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife
and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the
cows noses.

After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal
and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.


"No" said the farmer "who?"

"That was Thora Hird."

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A guy stops to visit his friend who has a broken leg. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Can you go and get my slippers from upstairs, please?" The guy goes upstairs and there are his friend's twin 18-year-old daughters. "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to **** you." The first daughter says, "That's not true." He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?" His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them

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Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You're probably the best lover I've ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"

[Notty]

 

[gsxbarmy]

I went to the zoo yesterday.
It only had one dog.
It was a shitzu.

[GSXKING]

A horse walks in to a bar and the barman says "why the long face ?"

A horse walks in to a bar and orders a bourbon, The barman says "fuck me a talking horse". 

I'm going now 

[froudy]

I went to the zoo yesterday.
It only had one dog.
It was a shitzu.

This is a joke where you really need a "Tumble weed" emoticon/GIF