British Humour

[lil4399]

BRITISH HUMOUR



Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."

________________________________________

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral,

a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

________________________________________

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

________________________________________

After both suffering from depression for a while,

me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

________________________________________

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,

not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

________________________________________

"Jesus Loves You."

Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

________________________________________

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

________________________________________

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed

a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked

him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"

I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

[Notty]

Excellent !! 

[gsxbarmy]

 

[KiwiCol]

Lovely

[Speedy1959]

Brilliant..
I literally laughed out loud !!

[grog]

Made my day, very good

[turner]

really really good, made me laugh on this cold day, keep them coming , the parking one cracked me up 

[Andre]

I especially liked the first one. But then I am biased 

[ARH]

  excellent....

[Mick_J]