Dad Jokes & Bad Jokes

[VladTepes]

What do you call a horse who likes arts and crafts?

A hobby horse.

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What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A piiig!!

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Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

They say he made a mint.

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Three fish are in a tank.

One asks the others, "How do you drive this thing?"

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What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You're too young to be smoking.

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What do you call a three legged donkey?

A wonky

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How do you know when you're going to drown in milk?

When it's past your eyes.

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab.

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A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"

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My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

I said, "Usually an overdose, son."

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What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a Rottweiler?

Just the Rottweiler.

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A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouts, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replies, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

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What's a dentist's favourite musical instrument?

A tuba toothpaste.

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How do you make anti-freeze?

Take away her blanket.

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What did the Policeman say to his bellybutton?

You're under a vest......

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My friend was annoyed with me for messing with her red wine.

So I added some fruit and lemonade, now she sangria than ever!

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I recently had the privelege of acting in a silent version of "Oliver".

It was brilliant, I could not have asked for more.

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They scoffed when I told them that I had discovered the secret of invisibility.

If they could just see me now...

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My great uncle was a microbiologist during WW2 but he was really unpopular.

He was a germ man.

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Which US state has the tiniest soft drinks?
Mini-soda!!

Where's the best place to buy a football shirt?
New Jersey!

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Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player?

Love means nothing to them...

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Why did the cobbler go to Heaven?

Because he had a good sole!

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Why did the Koala have to shop on ebay?

Because he couldn't find it on Gumtree!

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How do you get two whales in a car?

You start in England and drive west!

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When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

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Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop?

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Did you know that an unemployed jester is nobody's fool?

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2 astronauts were in the space station making their morning coffee on their first day in space.

Astronaut 1: "I can't seem to find any milk up here?"
Astronaut 2: "In space no one can. Here, use cream".

[lil4399]

 

[Boa]

I wish i hadn't started reading this......



Btw
Did you hear about the Hyena who ate the Oxo cube?
                   
.................................  He became a laughing stock

[ARH]

Christmas cracker jokes... luv em... 

[Hooli]

How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?







Wave.

[VladTepes]

What do you call a man who's unbeatable at cross-country running?

Alan Drover.

[Bri1100]

I recently bought a toilet brush........ Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper

[Kiwifruit]

C'mon Bri think of the environment