One Liners

[VladTepes]

I went to Legoland last weekend. People were lined up for blocks.

My bonsai business is doing so well I have had to move to smaller premises.

On my last holiday, I went to a city in the south of France.  It was Nice.

I think the local dry cleaners can repair my dress. Or at least sew its seams.

I named my dog 5 Miles so I can tell my friends I walk 5 miles every day.

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

I was robbed last night and all they took was my limbo stick. I mean, how low can they go?

A friend said she did not understand cloning. I told her that makes two of us.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...

I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why!

I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it's more of a rap.

The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything".

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. "Here, I killed your friend. Hold him."

I taught a wolf to meditate. Now he's aware wolf.

Hedgehogs, eh? Why can't they just share the hedge?

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

I called the stock market the other day. Was surprised they didn't have any chicken broth.




BONUS JOKE

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house.
Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to.
But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.