Edinburgh Fringe top ten

[Notty]

I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring"

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed"

"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me"

"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?"

"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts"

"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project"

"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it"

"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?"

"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" -

[Mister Fishfinger]

You missed the winner though:

"Working at the job centre has to be a tense job. Knowing that if you get fired, you have to come in the next day".

[ARH]

 

[MarkN]

Very good. I like one liner's 

[gsxbarmy]

"Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?"

"How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer"

"Don't interrupt someone working on a puzzle. Chances are you'll hear some crosswords"

"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care"

"Whenever I'm sad I just read my blood donor card. It always says "B positive"."

[VladTepes]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

I once had a pet racing snail , I took his shell off to make him quicker but to be honest it made him a little sluggish.



And real oldie but not a goodie ! 

Bloke went to a dance. Doorman says "piss off you need a tie". Bloke goes to car gets jumper cable, ties windsor knot and goes back, says to doorman "hows this?". Doorman says " OK just don't start anything."

[VladTepes]

I can't wait to take the whole family camping.


It'll be in tents.

[Kiwifruit]

Kiwi Rose Matafeo was a winner at the  Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
Sounds like a great event to attend.