My friend Iain has one eye bigger than the other.
I had to stop taking my dog to the park because ducks kept biting him. He's a purebread.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.
I lost my job as a taxi driver. Turns out passengers don't appreciate it when you go the extra mile.
I quit my job to pursue archaeology. My career is now in ruins.
The other day I went to an archaeology party where we were looking for the remains of a lower leg. It was quite a shin-dig.
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
Also if anyone gets an email from me about tinned meat don't open it... it's SPAM.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? It is one or two? One... or two? One... or two?
My room mates are convinced our house is haunted, but I've never seen a ghost and I've lived here for 300 years.
I'm excited about the amateur autopsy club I joined. Tuesday is open Mike night.
My ipod never worked properly till I renamed it Titanic, it's syncing now.
I took a job as a baker once, I kneaded the dough.
You might think jokes about German sausage are the Wurst, but jokes about German sausage and cheese are the Wurst Kase scenario.
A girl in the pub said she knew me from vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
What's the difference between Roast beef and pea soup..?
Anyone can Roast beef..!
Just saw this
Quote from: grog on Tuesday, 26 November 2024, 03:58 PMJust saw this
I herd the big manufactures saw that & thought how dairy
Like this..! Is it a vegan friendly moooterbike though? :whistling:
(https://i.ibb.co/MBqcDsM/IMG-1188.jpg) (https://ibb.co/rdnxGm4)
(https://i.ibb.co/MZgfSgC/IMG-1187.jpg) (https://ibb.co/YPNXQNL)
(https://i.ibb.co/MV5yBm6/IMG-1185.jpg) (https://ibb.co/BZKHn9N)
(https://i.ibb.co/Hz37vvs/IMG-1189.jpg) (https://ibb.co/vPR155G)
(https://i.ibb.co/qgN4RCM/IMG-1191.jpg) (https://ibb.co/z2XLSFh)
Not sure I'd get much rest with a topper like this 🙄🙄
I'm glad she's machine washable :lol:
An oldie, but still brilliant! :happy1:
nutn.JPG
😳
Timing is everything :cheers:
Sad but true :whatever:
Young people now think fame is a career. They don't or won't put in any effort at all.
No apprentice = No future tradesmen
Robots will take over 🙄
NEWSFLASH!
A man has discovered how to do origami backwards.
More on this story as it unfolds.
Quote from: GSXKING on Wednesday, 29 January 2025, 10:07 AMYoung people now think fame is a career. They don't or won't put in any effort at all.
In Germany, the failure rate for the written part of the driver license test is over 50 percent. According to a psychologist, the reason is a lack of diligence in preparing for it. Mate's son is a "good" example. I thought he took the test 3 times. His dad says 5 times! 25% of the kids coming out of 4th grade can't read or write. Teacher at top-tier high-school showed me sample writings of students ready to graduate - deplorable. Instead of teaching the kids the fundamentals, the requirements for good grades get more and more reduced.
I asked a couple of high school girls: "do you know who Darwin is" No was the answer. I suggested they google him and learn about his theory of evolution. Reason for me doing this: they stood in a road-crossing laughing their cute little asses off about something they where watching on a "smart"-phone. Got them off the road that way. They said they would look him up. I hope their writing-reading-comprehension skills are up to it.
I doubt they'd even pick up on the subtilties in your suggestion, even if they did read Darwins' theory. :onya: :clapping:
My computer told me my password needed to be eight characters...I'm regretting picking 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves'.
Quote from: Pommeroy on Thursday, 30 January 2025, 06:25 AMMy computer told me my password needed to be eight characters...I'm regretting picking 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves'.
Mine needed a capital & special character too.
"Snow White and the Seven Dwarves in London with Ironman" takes ages to type.
Quote from: KiwiCol on Thursday, 30 January 2025, 05:29 AMI doubt they'd even pick up on the subtilties in your suggestion, even if they did read Darwins' theory. :onya: :clapping:
That thought has crossed my mind several times. Another, more unkind, thought also entered my mind: I should not have intervened. That would have given Darwin the chance to proof his theory.
Quote from: Hooli on Thursday, 30 January 2025, 06:29 PMQuote from: Pommeroy on Thursday, 30 January 2025, 06:25 AMMy computer told me my password needed to be eight characters...I'm regretting picking 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves'.
Mine needed a capital & special character too.
"Snow White and the Seven Dwarves in London with Ironman" takes ages to type.
Golden :clapping:
:cheers:
IMG_2033.jpeg
IMG_2032.jpeg
Hear Hear!!
I think that first one is
@Roo :onya: :cheers:
Quote from: KiwiCol on Sunday, 09 February 2025, 01:52 PMHear Hear!!
I think that first one is @Roo :onya: :cheers:
Cheers Kiwicol, been feeding the cat over the road for a week, Saturday I was attacked !!!!! The fucker latched onto my right hand, result the hand swelled up and I had to get antibiotics Yesterday ! Fuck ,hope its right for Tuesday as thats my ride day !!???
Quote from: Roo on Monday, 10 February 2025, 04:42 AMQuote from: KiwiCol on Sunday, 09 February 2025, 01:52 PMHear Hear!!
I think that first one is @Roo :onya: :cheers:
Cheers Kiwicol, been feeding the cat over the road for a week, Saturday I was attacked !!!!! The fucker latched onto my right hand, result the hand swelled up and I had to get antibiotics Yesterday ! Fuck ,hope its right for Tuesday as thats my ride day !!???
pussies can be dangerous
Quote from: Notty on Monday, 10 February 2025, 05:56 AMQuote from: Roo on Monday, 10 February 2025, 04:42 AMQuote from: KiwiCol on Sunday, 09 February 2025, 01:52 PMHear Hear!!
I think that first one is @Roo :onya: :cheers:
Cheers Kiwicol, been feeding the cat over the road for a week, Saturday I was attacked !!!!! The fucker latched onto my right hand, result the hand swelled up and I had to get antibiotics Yesterday ! Fuck ,hope its right for Tuesday as thats my ride day !!???
pussies can be dangerous
pussies
can be are dangerous, specially those that are missing a couple of legs . . .
I recently became addicted to seaweed.
Now I'm seeking kelp.
I recently became addicted to brake fluid.
It's ok, I can stop at any time.
Germans are starting to stockpile sausage & cheese, it really is a Wurst Kase scenario.
I got fired from the calendar factory, hard to believe, all i did was take a day off
My ipod always struggled to sync, so I renamed it Titanic.
Titanic didn't struggle to sink, she cracked it first time.
A woman spoke to me & said we'd met at vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I trained to be a monk when I was young. But I never got the chants.
I saw a man in a monastery frying potatoes & I asked him if he was the chip monk. He said no, he's just a friar.
(https://i.ibb.co/dwhNKK8f/IMG-2556.jpg) (https://ibb.co/W4TrKKmH)
Hardly Funny
On that subject...
HD Jack.jpg
Looking at that, I'm still a beginner!!
Looks like Mr Creosote waiting for his After Dinner Mint !!
Just ze wun zur, they are way-fer thein
Bon appetite !! :lol:
Quote from: Hooli on Friday, 27 June 2025, 05:35 PMOn that subject...
HD Jack.jpg
While he was being rescued, his wife was out shopping.
One for the Pommies... ;)
(https://i.ibb.co/MyfxzhL3/IMG-2646.jpg) (https://ibb.co/8nbLyBVS)
(https://i.ibb.co/hRpKLQLM/IMG-2660.jpg) (https://ibb.co/Z6yhG4GJ)
I was going to post this on the thread about Climate change BS.
I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make".
When I got home and played it, I said to myself, "This doesn't sound anything like wasps."
Then I realised, I was playing the bee side..
At the funeral of her husband, a man asks the bereaved wife "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go ahead", she replies.
He stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits down.
"Thanks", she says, "that means a lot."
(https://i.ibb.co/pBrrBH4d/IMG-2920.jpg) (https://ibb.co/wFrrFnp4)
I saw a baguette in a cage at the zoo yesterday.
The keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
DOH :cheers:
Me and my wife have been married for 35 years
and I've never let her look into the safe.
Last week, when I went to the market she looked in the safe.
When I got back she said:
Wife: I looked into the safe
Me: I told you not to look in the safe
Wife: There's $4,000 in cash in there & three eggs! What are the eggs for?
Me: Well I'll be honest, every time I shagged somone else's wife, I put an egg in the safe.
Wife: That's not bad in 35 years is it?
Me: No, but when I get a dozen, I sell them - and that's where the money comes from!
Schrödinger is happily driving along, when a traffic cop pulls him over.
The cop opens a box in the boot and says "Do you know there's a dead cat in this box?"
Schrödinger says, "Well, I do now!!!"
Breaking Scientific News
Marine genetic biologists have just created a dolphin with legs.
Animal rights groups are demanding the legs be removed...
But the biologists say that would defeet the whole porpoise.
Whats round and bites?
A vicious circle.
Did you hear about the deaf kid being bullied?
Neither did he.
The definition of ambivalence...your mother-in law rides your 14 off a cliff.
Definition of a drawing pin.
Smartie with an erection.
Definition of a peanut M&M.
Pregnant Smartie.
Riding home with this evening and a cop pulls me over. "Papers" he says, sticking his hand out. "Scissors" I said, then rode off.
He must really want another game, as he's been following me for 45 mins.
Why is a wife like a hand grenade?
Remove the ring & your house is gone
Big shout out to my neighbour for lending me her big sheet of polythene.
Ta Pauline
Sad news — the inventor of auto-correct collapsed in the street yesterday.
He was taken by ambience to the nearest horse piddle.
🚑🐎😅📱
Did you know if you turn a canoe over you can wear it as a hat?
Because it's cap sized.
Two blokes go into a hat shop run by a cyclops. One says "That's the one I'd get", so the cyclops punched him.
R.I.P to my neighbour.
He told his wife he was going out for some sewing thread but spent the day in the pub.
Gone but not for cotton.
I've been trying to improve my vocabulary because it was bad. It was really bad. It was really, really bad.
I bet my wife oral sex she couldn't beat me in an arm wrestle.
I lost 😞 now she's rubbing my nose in it 😝😝😝
That's a fishy joke
Did you hear about the guy with 5 dicks? His underpants fit like a glove.
Nu Zulandish.jpg
Very funny, or translated to Kiwi: "Hill-ear -eous"
Not as difficult to understand as "Yea nah"...that one took me a while.
In 3024 years life with either be incredibly good or incredibly bad.
It'll be 5050*.
*pronounce this in Yankieish
Quote from: Hooli on Thursday, 26 February 2026, 01:50 AMIn 3024 years life with either be incredibly good or incredibly bad.
It'll be 5050*.
*pronounce this in Yankieish
DC comics predictions.
What do you call a frenchman who's been attacked by a cat?
Claude.
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
____________________
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
And that's how the fight started.