I heard that John Travolta had Coronavirus.
Luckily it was a misdiagnosis and he just has a case of Saturday Night Fever.
So he's stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Buckingham Palace have denied reports that Prince Charles is in bed with Covid 19 and his brother Prince Andrew is in bed with Jennifer 14
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My electric fan has got coronavirus. Its in self-oscillation
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"Thank you very much" I shouted through the letterbox, "Just leave the groceries on the doorstep and I'll take them in when you've gone".
"Stop pissing around" shouted the wife, "and let me in the house"
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under
2020, the year when my bin went out more than I did.
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Quite like this. :lol:
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One of the better Covid songs to come out I reckon.
Beats a bunch of over paid arseholes singing some other arseholes songs from the (exceptional) comfort and luxury of thier palatial multi million dollar mansions.
Language is a bit fruity.
SnBtOPUMyqU
I'll be just fine, I only have Motorcycles and its a Car-Owner Virus!
Is this the valleys girl you met Hooli? or is it one of Micks girls?
Haha I didn't meet them, just being in the same valley was enough to know that's a bad idea!
Can`t help wondering how the bloke got her through the front door..... :lol:
Quote from: DP1400 on Wednesday, 22 April 2020, 05:41 AM
Can`t help wondering how the bloke got her through the front door..... :lol:
Piece of cake.
@Notty I see the talent has improved in the valleys recently.
https://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/sheep-mcdonalds-ebbw-vale-lockdown-18114243
Quote from: DP1400 on Wednesday, 22 April 2020, 05:41 AM
Can`t help wondering how the bloke got her through the front door..... :lol:
.... or the garage door. :onya:
Maybe after a dozen schooners, she could be a good catch.
Please don't let her be on top. :cheers:
How many schooners.....? :laugh:
Quote from: SheepDog on Wednesday, 22 April 2020, 02:29 PM
Maybe after a dozen schooners, she could be a good catch.
Only if you mean 12 of these FULL of beer.
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/01/PacificSwiftUnderSail.jpg/1200px-PacificSwiftUnderSail.jpg)
Not one of mine Notty, I have a rule as far as birds go. If she need more of my bike seat than I do she ain't getting on.
Woke up with a sore throat this morning and when I talked to my wife, she said I sounded like Bing Crosby.
Bloody Crooner Virus. :rofl2:
That Face
:coffeescreen: :onya:
Bored :doh:
:(
I wonder how many blokes would like the suck of a vacuum :stir: :stir: :stir:
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greta....
hmm, indeed
Fear the Future !
Before you say it Notty, NO, I don't fancy the bird on the right. The chick on the left could get a ride on my bike if she asked me nicely though. :whistling:
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Tell your friend that it might make him (or her) more attractive to the opposite sex. :whistling:
From what I've read its not about stopping you getting it, it's about you not giving it to others, with a mask on no one will know it's you (or your friend :whistling:)
Lockdown lingo
*Coronacoaster*
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You're loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is "an emotional coronacoaster".
*Quarantinis*
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at "locktail hour", ie. wine o'clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.
*Le Creuset wrist*
It's the new "avocado hand" - an aching arm after taking one's best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly 'Clap For Carers.' It might be heavy but you're keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.
*Coronials*
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as "Generation C" or, more spookily, "Children of the Quarn".
*Furlough Merlot*
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as "bored-eaux" or "cabernet tedium".
*Coronadose*
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.
*The elephant in the Zoom*
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.
*Quentin Quarantino*
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they're convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.
*Covidiot* or *Wuhan-ker*
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display "covidiocy" or be "covidiotic". Also called a "lockclown" or even a "Wuhan-ker".
*Goutbreak*
The sudden fear that you've consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king's.
*Antisocial distancing*
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.
*Coughin' dodger*
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.
*Mask-ara*
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.
*Covid-10*
The 10lbs in weight that we're all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as "fattening the curve.
:onya:
This made me laugh way too much
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you
would have £49.00 today
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have
£33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you
would have £0.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you
would have £0.00 today
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tescos,
drank all the beer,then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer,
you would have received a £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &
recycle.
A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a
year.
That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be British.
JUST A FEW THOUGHTS
On a more serious note... i finally got my test results ... No corona ;)
https://www.abc.net.au/doublej/music-reads/features/classic-album-covers-reimagined-for-the-age-of-social-distancing/12193624
Well we have pizza girl here in the UK but in America they have a proper genius.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8283957/Covidiot-explains-cut-hole-face-mask-makes-easier-breathe.html
Fencing is the perfect COVID-19 sport.
Masks, Gloves and if anyone gets closer than 6 feet to you, you stab them.
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Went out for a ride to Minehead yesterday and only met one other biker but as he was with his wife/girlfriend/better half I didn't speak to either because I'm only allowed to talk to one other person and I didn't want to offend either of them. :lol:
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:confused1: ???
Quote from: VladTepes on Wednesday, 27 May 2020, 03:27 PM
:confused1: ???
It's a UK joke.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-52801667/cummings-drove-to-barnard-castle-to-test-vision
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Biggest joke of all is these Black Lives Matter Rallies. No social distancing what so ever and virtually no fines handed out WTF. Also they forgot to mention more black deaths at the hands of black people than any other race :jack: :jack: :jack:
It's racist to say the biggest killer of blacks is blacks though, you make them sound like murderers.
Quote from: GSXKING on Sunday, 07 June 2020, 09:20 PM
No social distancing what so ever and virtually no fines handed out WTF.
Would you try to hand out a fine amongst all that? I wouldn't.
Anyway I'm sure we all have our opinions on the #blacklivesmatter thing (I'm in the "all lives matter" camp) but let's keep this thread to jokes rather than anything heavier please.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksRB4faMU7o Check this out :onya:
GSX, Vlad wants jokes, not truths or is what he said a bit of both. The weekend rallies sure were a joke. All ill say.
No joke, we're allowed to go to the pub now!!! :cheers: Guess it is, cause I'm laughing all the way there. :happy1:
Freedom...... :boogie:
In other news, they've discovered why the death rates are higher during the week. It's due to all the people with weekend immune systems.
@grog this is the joke thread :stir: :stir: :stir:
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One of your best Notty👍
My 4 year old nephew has been learning Spanish during lockdown.
He still can't say please though, which I think is poor for four
An englishman,irishman and scotsman walk into a bar.................. god those were the days :cheers: :cheers: :facepalm: :rofl2:
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A couple of funny pics I've received and thought I'd share.
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Quote from: GSXKING on Monday, 22 June 2020, 04:41 PM
A couple of funny pics I've received and thought I'd share.
I see in the bottom photo they've already nicked the hubcaps :facepalm:
Quote from: Kiwifruit on Friday, 26 June 2020, 07:59 AM
Quote from: GSXKING on Monday, 22 June 2020, 04:41 PM
A couple of funny pics I've received and thought I'd share.
I see in the bottom photo they've already nicked the hubcaps :facepalm:
Tragic really. The similarities aren't lost on most :stir: :stir: :stir:
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It'd be a hellava ride on the young one, :drool: but the old clunker behind would cost less in the long run. :onya: :cheers:
I do like those old fashioned firm bumpers Notty :drool:
Notty, it will end the same way, either the virus will kill you, she will kill you or your wife will kill you, best stay indoors.
I'd say it's worth the risk myself.
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I'd say option 3 is likely to be the most drawn out and painful :wife:
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🚨🚨🚨😡😡 COMPLAINT!!! 😡😡🚨🚨🚨🚨
Does anyone know where I can call, to complain about gatherings and parties???
Im pretty sure gatherings of 150 people are prohibited. It is not fair that we are in quarantine and they don't even care about contagion. The fuckers have got alcohol, a bbq, a DJ playing extremely loud music and what smells to me like the devils lettuce. It makes me furious to think how many can get infected. Where can I call to report them?
😡😤🤬🤬
Wait.....fuck..... false alarm...
They just invited me...
Sorry to bother you,
Carry on!!!
@Notty Devils Lettuce cracked me up :rofl2: :rofl2: :rofl2: :rofl2: