A fella posted some of these on another forum.
No doubt many of us Aussies can identify with these, but they might be a helpful 'guide' for our UK and European cousins.
Enjoy.
Cairns
Cairns was inexplicably built on a mudflat in uninhabitable Far North Queensland, making it a sweltering shitbox with a million percent humidity year-round. The city experiences two seasons - the wet season, featuring an unrelenting torrent of rain and tropical cyclones, and the even wetter season. Temperatures range from far too hot to face-melting. Even taking a dip won't cool you off as the water is frequently warm enough to boil a baby. Nevertheless, the punishing heat forces many poor bastards to brave the water, presenting them with the choice of swimming with man-eating crocs in the sea or paddling between toddler turds, discarded condoms and blobs of backpacker jizz in 'The Lagoon'.
Despite featuring a climate unsuitable for human life, Cairns has managed to leverage its proximity to the bleached remains of the Great Barrier Reef into a thriving international tourism industry, which means the town is now lousy with heat-stricken backpackers rooting in public, fighting in the street and smoking weed from Gatorade bottle bongs. Other popular tourist activities include riding a flying fox over crocodiles at a combined zipline and wildlife park, taking hilarious selfies with location signs at Yorkeys Knob, or being left stranded in the middle of the ocean by a Great Barrier Reef dive tour. Cairns' most iconic landmark is a humungous statue of Captain Cook giving a Nazi salute as a tribute to Australia's race relations record.
Cairns: for when Townsville feels a bit too fancy!
Logan
There's a reason Logan rhymes with 'bogan'. Fittingly it also rhymes with 'grogan', 'Paul Hogan' and 'crime-infested warzone'. Logan's reputation as a bogan nest is so prevalent that the local council spent millions of dollars on a campaign to change the city's image - unfortunately, they spent it all on Ugg boots and a container load of XXXX Bitter.
Appropriately named after one of Australia's most reviled colonial commanders, Logan is wedged between Brisbane and the Gold Coast, making it ideally placed to catch the human dregs of both cities. Its population comprises a motley crew of yobbos, drongos, housos, dole bludgers, crims, and immigrants who thought they were moving to Brisbane. Logan is one of Australia's most diverse cities - in fact, it has more STD strains than the entire cast of 'Goldie Shore' combined.
Common hobbies in Logan include getting shitfaced and hitting someone with a bit of wood, committing ram raids in hotwired Holden Colorados, and intergenerational welfare dependency. A popular venue is the Logan Hyperdome, where flannel-clad rednecks fight to the death over Centrelink payments.
Logan's standout suburbs are Slacks Creek and Woodridge, twin sprawling slums that host all the panelbeaters, payday lenders, pawn shops and pokies you can menacingly shake a stick at. These suburban hellscapes are also ideal locations for the procurement of illicit substances, with more shoes on powerlines than on feet.
Logan truly is Australia's city of the future, assuming the future is a post-apocalyptic Mad Max-style nightmare.
Fraser Island
Loitering with intent off the coast of Queensland, Fraser Island is a swampy lump of sand that doubles as an overpriced, overrated tourist trap. Hundreds of thousands visit the world's largest sand island each year to fry in the sun, shit in the dunes, jizz in the lakes or be mauled by a dingo in its natural habitat. Another popular reason for visiting Fraser is by accident after crashing a boat into it.
As well as rusty shipwrecks, a series of large puddles and rainforests teetering precariously on top of sand dunes, Fraser features a resident population of mangy flea-bitten dingoes, venomous snakes and seasonal saltwater crocs. Fences to deter dingoes are commonplace because they keep eating tourists, while dogs are banned from the island because they keep rooting the dingoes.
Fraser is also home to a couple hundred humans - about the same number of residents as your average housing commission home in Mt Druitt. In October 2018 the tiny population was whipped into a frenzy when Prince Harry and Meghan Markle visited the soiled sandpit during their Australian tour. In addition to royal fever, Fraser Island also has yellow fever and dengue fever.
Fraser Island was originally named 'Great Sandy Island' but had to change its name because while it is exceptionally sandy, it is definitely not great. The former Aboriginal internment camp is the perfect place for a holiday you'll regret forever.
The Gold Coast
The Gold Coast likes to fancy itself as Australia's version of Las Vegas, which is true because it's a tacky tourist trap adorned with fake tits, a shit casino and an unending parade of timeshare presentations. The cluster of hotels masquerading as a city is where Australia keeps its unemployed Kiwi scaffolders while they wait for their shot at a third-rate reality show, and has-been strippers with multiple children to multiple men from multiple outlaw motorcycle gangs. If you are looking to get a shit neo-tribal tattoo or contract some novel form of super chlamydia, then the Gold Coast is probably your place!
Given that it's Australia's entertainment capital, the Gold Coast is filled with a plethora of such options, with the only downside being that they are all tacky and shit. On the Gold Coast, fine dining is 'all-you-can-eat pancakes' and a fun day out with the family features theme parks with worse safety standards than a Chinese coal mine. Popular staples of Gold Coast nightlife include visiting a vampire-themed cabaret staffed entirely by people who look like they recently failed HIV tests, getting attacked by a lower grade league player with 'roid rage', or being thrown off a balcony after a Tinder date gone wrong. A popular event on the Gold Coast is 'Schoolies Week', which gives high school kids the chance to experiment with alcohol poisoning and tradies from Logan the chance to experiment with getting passed-out high school girls into the back of their van.
Gold Coast hosted the 2018 edition of the Commonwealth Games, an event that used to exist only so Britain's former colonies could see who had the fastest slaves and now only exists to give white people who are too shit for the Olympics the chance to win medals, making it the Caucasian Special Olympics. The event celebrated the city's rich sporting history, which includes multiple failed professional franchises across at least three sports.
Byron Bay
Known as Australia's easternmost point, Byron Bay is also the country's biggest dickhead magnet. Every type of fuckwit under the sun gravitates to Byron: smelly hippies spilling out of their housevans, tattooed surfers fighting each other for territory, barefoot bogans fighting each other for fun, cashed-up boomers flittering between overpriced organic cafes and bullshit galleries, and overseas millionaires buying up the entire town for holiday homes. It's the sort of place that corporate shills on their second divorce fantasise about moving to so they can open a yoga retreat and root a dreadlocked barista on the beach. Byron Bay is Disneyland for dropouts, the Gold Coast for people who prefer their Meter Maids to have hairy pits.
Overrun by tourists and littered with their half-eaten takeaways and used condoms, the only people who actually live in Byron Bay are pretentious trustafarians who turned up for Splendour in the Grass and forgot to fuck off home after the mushies wore off. These private school plastic hippies use their old man's money to live the 'Byron dream', subsidising their supposed 'free spirit lifestyle' which actually consists of wearing cheap jewellery they bought in Bali while complaining about other fake hippies, catching herpes from German backpackers and generally doing large amounts of serious fuck all. Byron Bay gained national notoriety for rejecting fast food giants McDonald's and KFC under the pretence that junk food didn't fit with the 'Byron lifestyle' - maybe if Macca's started serving kombucha and lentils and giving away hacky sacks in their Happy Meals it might have got the Byron seal of approval.
Byron Bay is known for its nightlife, which consists of drunken drongos and schoolies smashing each other's teeth out and projectile vomiting at passersby. It's also a primo spot for seeing whales, which is why Byronites were still slaughtering humpbacks as recently as the 1960s. A popular feature is the Cape Byron Lighthouse, which serves the vital purpose of warning passing seafarers away from the complete wankeropolis of Byron Bay. We suggest you heed its warning.
Queenstown, Tasmania
Buried deep in Tasmania's terrifying western wastelands, the nightmarish hellhole of Queenstown could not be more incongruous with its regal moniker. The living museum of misery comprises a cluster of dilapidated hovels and abandoned shacks with mangy dogs chained up outside, perching on the precipice of an abandoned copper mine, surrounded by slag heaps and adorned with a polluted poo-filled river. Despite being prone to incessant rain, Queenstown's tap water is brown and undrinkable. Decades of deforestation, sulphurous smelter fumes and topsoil erosion have rendered the area's hills a barren moonscape. Famously featuring a gravel footy oval because grass refuses to grow there, Queenstown is a great place to visit if you get off on mass-scale ecological vandalism. Locals are so proud of their desolate wasteland that they have opposed revegetation attempts. Queenstown is not so much a town as an inhabited environmental disaster.
Despite being a half-abandoned soggy little slum, Queenstown's understandably cheap housing attracts undesirables from all over Australia, including extreme hermits who can't handle the hustle and bustle of Hobart and extreme hillbillies who require extra privacy for nefarious habits like marrying their siblings or eating tourists. The town's defunct mining business has been replaced by a fledgling tourism industry, predicated entirely on befuddled travellers ending up there by accident after trying to reach the New Zealand tourist trap of the same name. The dismal little village was strategically built in a hole amongst the mountains to hinder escape - visitors are forced to negotiate a rollercoaster road with over 90 hair-raising bends just to get out of the place.
A third-world shithole as quaint as a yeast infection, Queeftown is a foolproof recipe for instant depression.
Port Pirie, SA
Sitting (and shitting) on a polluted tidal river replete with lead-poisoned dolphins, the seaside smelter town of Port Pirie possesses all the charm of a soiled man-nappy. The South Australian shithole is home to the world's largest lead smelter, an operation so significant that its stack is the highest structure in the state, billowing clouds of toxic fumes like a bogan Eye of Sauron. The smelter employs 10% of the town's population, making lead manufacturing the second most common job in Port Pirie after 'unemployed' at 11%. 4% work in animal husbandry, which in South Australia is exactly what it sounds like.
Aside from producing copious amounts of heavy metals, Port Pirie's smelter also poisons the town's sea, air and drinking water, resulting in a population of braindead lead-heads. This causes developmental difficulties resulting in all manner of antisocial behaviour, as evidenced by elevated levels of racism and country music, the preservation of a mural of notorious sex pest Rolf Harris, and the large lady who famously flashed her K-cups at the Google Street View car. Low-lying Port Pirie proves that you don't need hills to have hillbillies.
Should you ever find yourself in the Chernobyl of the South, be sure to wear a full hazmat suit, avoid any and all contact with locals, and whatever you do, don't drink the water.
Dubbo
Dubbo is well-known for its open-range zoo, exhibiting such species as lions, critically endangered elephants and rhinos, and the common red-necked wallaby. Dubbo is also well-known as an open-range zoo, exhibiting such species as dole bludgers, juvenile delinquents, critically endangered law-abiding citizens, and the common red-necked Australian. These creatures can be observed in their natural habitat rampaging up Macquarie Street shoplifting and vandalising vehicles, or pelting posties with rocks and bottles in 'Wild' West Dubbo.
Similar to the breeding programme run at Dubbo's drive-thru zoo, the town itself runs an informal inbreeding programme, making do with its isolation-enforced shallow gene pool in typical rural New South Wales style. Dubbo's proclivity for incest is just one possible explanation for its inhabitants' antisocial tendencies.
In October 2018, Dubbo made headlines for something other than youth crime or welfare fraud for the first time when Prince Harry and Meghan Markle visited, presumably as some sort of elaborate practical joke. Other visitors come to paddle through mounds of rubbish in the filthy Macquarie River or cycle up the slopes of Dubbo in 40-degree heat while being chased by violent children brandishing homemade spears. Most tourists leave either bitterly underwhelmed or in an ambulance after being stabbed by a five-year-old.
Dubbo: The most backwards backwater this side of the Warrumbungles.
Ballarat
Founded during the gold rush, Ballarat began life as a ramshackle shanty town populated by thousands of grubby diggers. 150-odd years later, it has completely transformed into a ramshackle city populated by thousands of grubby housos.
In its early days, Ballarat earned the moniker 'the Golden City' due to locals' fondness for golden showers. Locals also referred to Ballarat as 'the Athens of Australia' due to their predilection for anal sex. The deviance continues to this day, with the city lending its name to the 'Ballarat cravat', a euphemism for the popular Ballarat activity of smearing faeces on another person's neck.
Ballarat is perhaps best known for the Eureka Rebellion, when a bunch of gold-grabbers took up arms against the government because they couldn't be fucked paying tax. Ironically, these violent immigrants who refused to assimilate are now lauded as heroes by rednecks across the country, with the Eureka flag enduring as Australia's second-favourite white supremacist icon after the Southern Cross tattoo.
Ballarat's proudest feature is Lake Wendouree which half the time has no water in it, making it more of a hole than a lake. Wendouree was originally called 'Black Swamp' before being renamed after an Aboriginal word meaning 'go away'.
When it's not baking hot enough to evaporate a lake, Ballarat defaults to freezing cold. It's also known for its poor air quality, being smoky as a bogan's breath in winter and dustier than your mum's muff in summer, ensuring it is a truly terrible place to visit at any time of year.
Ballarat: Once a slum, always a slum.
Bathurst
Sitting in the middle of Buttfuck Nowhere New South Wales, Bathurst exists for one reason only: as the location of the Bathurst 1000, otherwise known as Bogan Christmas. This annual orgy of car carnage sees vast hordes of mechanophiles drink-drive from afar afield as Logan, Geelong and Western Sydney for a long weekend of cheering on their favourite international automobile manufacturing conglomerate. It's Australia's version of the Gathering of the Juggalos but somehow even more white-trash, The Hunger Games for people with mullets and meth mouth.
In an effort to reduce the booze-fuelled anarchy, authorities have imposed a limit of one box of grog per drongo per day - barely enough to keep the average Australian male awake. Enterprising yobbos have taken to burying crates of VB months prior to the Great Race and digging them up on the big day in the most bogan treasure hunt possible. Popular side events include blowing up toilet blocks, firebombing ice cream trucks and pissing in the middle of Kings Parade.
Bathurst makes several dubious claims to fame, usually related to its long and boring history, in an attempt to pretend that it's not just a car race town. Locals are quick to point out that it was the site of Australia's first gold discovery, was the first European settlement on the western side of the Great Dividing Range, and holds the Guinness World Record for the most cars with ridiculous mods, racist bumper stickers and alcohol ignition interlocks. Bathurst's main permanent tourist attraction is the National Motor Racing Museum, a museum for people who don't go to museums. The city is also renowned for its remarkably low average intelligence, a combined effect of its elevation and excessive fuel fumes.
Bathurst may be known for its burnout-scarred racetrack, but its best road leads directly out of this petrol-soaked tyre fire of a town.
Townsville
Townsville (or Towntown in English) was named after Robert Towns, a notorious slave trader who was well known for the practice of 'blackbirding', which is Australian for abducting Pacific Islanders and forcing them to work on your cotton plantations. In true shit town fashion, Townsville honoured their namesake with a bronze statue for his services to racism.
Townsville has been dubbed the unofficial capital of the 'Tropical North' complete with all the horror that entails – oppressive heat, nightmarish disease, and wildlife that devours wayward tourists. And that's just Flinders Street on a Friday night. Also nicknamed 'Brownsville' due to its arid climate rather than the complexion of its residents, Townsville has an annual rainfall comparable to the dustier parts of the Sahara, aside from the handful of days when it's pelted with the sort of Biblical monsoons that would get Noah's arsehole twitching.
Townsville also has an impressive collection of defunct sports teams, including the A-League's Northern Fury Football Club (who were not very angry and only vaguely played football) and the Townsville Crocodiles (who managed a staggering 0 titles in largely mediocre 23 seasons). The pride of Townsville is the North Queensland Cowboys, who will almost certainly return to being completely shit once JT retires.
Very funny. Descriptions of some of the local population reminded me of areas I used to work in and around Nottingham :rofl2:
Good to see your tourist board putting out accurate information packs, I knew there was a reason I didn't want to visit, all the best places are shit holes.
Suppose it's Skegness or Scarborough for me then,
I thought this was just a satirical jest until I got to Queenstown Tazmania.
Having visited this place, stayed the night and showered in brown water, I realise this is actually a factual write-up.
:laugh: