How do you make your girlfriend scream when you're having sex?
Phone her and tell her!
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What's 30 feet long and smells of pi$$ ?
conga line at the old folks home.
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An old chap is settling in on his first day in an old folks home. This old dear goes over to him and introduces herself and welcomes him. After a while she can't help noticing that he has an overwhelming aroma of S**t about him so she asks if he has incontinence, "No love, its arthritis" he replies, but she said "Arthritis doesn't smell". His retort was "It does when it's in yer elbows and ya can't get to wipe yer arse properly !!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
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how do you make holy water?
.
.
.
.
take normal water and boil the hell out of it!!!
ok it wasn't that funny, but its clean
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Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla.
"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!" At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
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The farm worker rings his gaffer, "I've just run over a pig with the Land Rover! What shall I do with it?".
Farmer replies "leave it there and get back to work, we've got lots to do"
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yes, it's no good now it's dead"
"OK - what shall I do with the speed camera then?!"
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An American, an English and an Irish university decided to do some research into why the penis has a bobbies helmet.
The American university spent 50,000 dollars, and decided it was to heighten the females pleasure during intercourse.
The English university spent 75,000 pounds, and decided it was to heighten the male pleasure during intercourse.
The Irish university spent 2 punts and decided it was to stop your hand falling off the end when having a W*nk.
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Mr Bear was in the woods doing what bears do in the woods. just as he finished Mr Rabbit came along. Mr Bear says " good morning Mr Rabbit" Mr Rabbit replies with a similar comment. Mr Bear then asks Mr Rabbit if shit sticks to his fur.
Mr Rabbit says "yes, as a matter of fact it does"......so Mr Bear picked him up and wiped his arse with him
Shaemus and Paddy are walking along the beach.
Shaemus spots three grenades laying on the sand and says "what shall we do with them Paddy ?"
Paddy says "we shall take them to the police station".
On the way to the cop shop Shaemus says "but what if one of the grenades explodes ?"
Paddy replies "we shall tell them we only found two"