A bloke walks into a pub and there is a dog sat in the corner licking his bollox. "i wish i could do that" says the bloke to the dogs owner. "buy him a packet of peanuts and he will let you"
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Don't spend ££££ dry-cleaning a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 50p.
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What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!
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Why do farts smell?
For benefit of the deaf.
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Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says, "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"
The lawyer says "F**k the Boy Scouts!"
The priest says, "Do we have time?"
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So the founding fathers of ameriland are in the Whitehouse trying to draft the constitution. George Washington say boy, it's hot in here, so he takes of his jacket and rolls up his sleeves. Everyone in the room looks at each other and they all do the same. The bloke next to Washington says we should put this in the constitution to allow fellow Americans to stay cool while working. old George says that's a bit long we'll have to shorten it, pause for thought, I know says George.....every American shall have the right to bare arms...........
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Three guys, one Navy, one Army and one Air Force are taking the test to join the SAS. They have all passed the mental and physical sections and are down to the final interview.
Guy from the Navy walks in to be confronted by the SAS Head Shed who gives him a gun and says, "There are 6 bullets in that, your wife is upstairs, go up and kill her".
The guy disappears but comes back 2 minutes later to say,
"Sorry I really want to be in the SAS but she's my wife and I love her"
"Sorry" says Head Shed, "But if you can't take orders, we don't want you"
Guy from Army walks in and the same thing happens, he gets the gun and is told to go upstairs and kill his wife, but also can't do it, so is told to thin out.
The Airman walks in and is given the gun. Off he goes and suddenly 6 shots ring out from upstairs, followed by an almighty commotion, and 10 minutes later he walks back into the room drenched in sweat.
He looks at the Head Shed and chucks the gun at him saying, "You bastard, they were blanks, I had to strangle the bitch!!!"
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There were two race horses in a pub, the first racehorse says to the second racehorse " I was in the 3:30 at Aintree yesterday, the stable lad had cocked my diet up, they'd given me a rubbish jockey, 3 furlongs to go, absolutely no chance of winning the race. When suddenly I had this nagging pain up my ringpiece and I was off like a bullet, scared the crap out of my jockey, passed all the other horses in the race and won the race.
So the second racehorse says to the first racehorse "Well thats a bit spookey I had a similar experience in the 3:30 at York, rubbish diet, terrible trainer, long journey up there, probably the same jockey you had, 3 furlongs to go no chance of winning the race, and all of a sudden I had a nagging pain up my ringpiece. I set of like a bullet, jumped two hedges put the ****s up the rubbish jockey, passed all the other horses and went on to win the race"
With that a greyhound walked over to the two racehorses and said "I'm ever so sorry to have been evesdropping on your conversation, but a similar thing happened to me at White City at 3:30 yesterday. Realy poor diet, no training at all, 200 yards to go before the end of the race and miles behind all the other dogs. When all of a sudden I got a nagging pain up my ringpiece, and I ran like hell passed all the other greyhounds, bit the rabbits head off and passed the winning line first."
So the first racehorse turned to the second racehorse and said
"Bloody Hell!
a talking Greyhound"
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When I woke up this morning and looked out of my bedroom window guess what I saw? A gorilla in my apple tree! Well, I called the zoo and asked them if it was theirs; yep, they'd lost a gorilla. So I gave them my address and they said they'd send someone round in a little while.
Half an hour later this chap knocks on the door, tells me he's from the zoo. We go into the back garden and I show him my tree (with his gorilla in it) Zoo-man then goes back to his van and comes back with some stuff: a net, a jack russell and a shotgun. He then tells me the plan...
"I will climb the tree, crawl out along the branch where the gorilla is, and then shake the branch. When the gorilla falls to the ground, the jack russell is specially trained to run across and bite the gorilla in the balls. This will temporarily paralyse the gorilla, giving us enough time to sling the net over him and get him into the van.
That all sounds pretty straight forward I replied
The man from the zoo then started to climb the tree, I've just got one question I shouted, What's that? said the man from the zoo, What's the shotgun for? I asked. Well, he says if I fall out of this tree, shoot that bloody dog!
Got me laughing mate. Some rippers amongst them.
Had this from a mate this morning!
Top tips for recycling, don't throw Xmas cards away as you can use them throughout the year for other occassions: