A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,
but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis who women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
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Two guys on a Triumph T120 were arrested last night in Manchester following a push-by shooting incident
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Theres Mummy balloon, Daddy balloon and Baby balloon.................
Baby balloon gets scared at night so he always sneaks into his Parents bed during the night. This goes on for weeks and Daddy balloon is annoyed cos theres not enough room in the bed for all three. So Daddy balloon tells Baby balloon of his disappointment and "Don't do it again or you're in trouble."
Anyway, night falls and Baby balloon is in his own bed and terrified, so, he comes up with the notion that if he lets a little air out of himself and lets a little air out of Mummy and Daddy then there will be more room in his parents bed and problem solved so he does this then climbs into their bed!.
In the morning Daddy balloon is furious and he says to Baby balloon "I'm totally dissappointed in you Baby balloon, YOU'VE LET YOUR MOTHER DOWN, YOU'VE LET ME DOWN AND MORE IMPORTANTLY YOU'VE LET YOURSELF DOWN".
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A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"
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Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
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A white horse went into a whisky bar in Scotland and asked for a double whisky.
The barman said to the white horse.
"What whisky do you want? we have loads of different whiskies we've got single malts, blended whisky"?).
"we've got Glenfidich "
"weve got Glenmorangie"
"we've got Bells"
"we've got Grouse"
"We've even got one named after you!"
"What" said the white horse, "Eric?"
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Mickey Mouse is in the divorce court -
the judge says "having big teeth is no reason for you to divorce Minnie"
Mickey says "I didn't say she had big teeth I said she was ****ing Goofy!!"
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A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW roars towards him. The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?". The shepherd looks at the city slicker, then at his field full of grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure."
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a cell phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?". "OK, why not?" answers the young man. "Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd. "That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."